Let go of the things that confuse your mind...
Growing up is a compromise of being given a blessing of living and enduring the challenges that that blessing carries; this is the moment when the carefree stages of childhood and teenage years are rapidly fading away as multitudes of responsibilities and the next stages of freedom replace them. To grow up and mature is not at all sad. Surely, with the new baggage it carries comes new surprises and more exciting and diverse freedoms.
Definitely, growing up - it is a compromise. There are goods. And, there are bads.
In my growing up stage that I'm experiencing, with all the things happening and all the thoughts that begin to circulate around my head, my feelings get mixed up. So many things are happening... and, also, plenty of things are also not happening. It just feels like I used to have my feelings neatly organized in an accordion-type folder and they all fell out and got scattered in my head.
Plenty of times, I found myself having to stop for a minute and thinking why I was feeling the way I was feeling. For instance, today, and the other days, when I just find myself looking at a blank space or staring blankly at my phone, while laying in the couch. I have found myself in this zone plenty of times. A dangerous zone...where I no longer notice time passing by, when I just stare into space and think what is going wrong with me. I'm not sad, but I'm not happy either. It's just a blank feeling wherein all the enthusiasm got suck out of me.
That zone ...that zone always led me to a state of confusion. I want to change. I want to get my life and my former self back. I wanted to be the person that I used to be in high school again, where I enjoyed the absence of my insecurities; where I was confident even when I had no accomplishments; where got excited about the littlest things.
Those days when...I was happy.
Happy.
Happy for no reason.
Happy even though I had nothing but my family and my school work.
Happy because I knew and valued how blessed I was.
Happy because I didn't know why.
I wanted to be happy again. Specifically, I wanted to be happy with the condition of not knowing why.
That was probably why I can no longer get back the same happiness before. I didn't know why I was happy and now, I don't know what to acquire to re-gain that joy back.
Now, I find myself buying things, going places, talking to new people and holding on to old friends and acquaintances even though I should not. I'm sifting through these elements - hoping that maybe, after a while, I will stumble on that something that will again light my enthusiasm and bring back my old self. And, more importantly, that something will show me that happiness that I once had.
That happiness that I took for granted.
With all the things that I did, exploring the waters, sifting all the possibilities to find something which I don't even know what, I didn't stumble on that something that I wanted. Or did I? Would I even know if I stumbled on it, since I didn't even know what I was looking for in the first place? I don't know the answers to these questions. Only one thing is for sure though. I felt many feelings continuously and all at once. And, now, I'm continuously getting swallowed by the confusion that I was running away from. I've turned one too many tables and now they're all circulating around me and I feel like I'm getting overwhelmed with what I have put myself into.
I find myself trying to pinpoint who to blame, or what to blame for these confusion and blankness. However, what I have discovered is - I don't have to continuously be stuck with the experiences that I have put myself into. I'm not obliged to stay there unless they launch me to places where I want to be.
I want to use this time as a time to get away from the things that confuse me. To simplify my life again, just like how it was last time. I may not be able to truly regain that state but I guess simplification is the first step. Maybe, when I simplify myself and my life again, I can finally determine what I'm looking for and I will be shown where to look for it. To God be the glory.
