Lovely Thoughts 1: To be needed for the shallowest reasons

I remember that feeling of being in love.  How wonderful it was to know that there's a person outside your family circle who loves to see you and who wants to spend countless hours with you.

It was comforting to be wanted.  To be needed.  To be needed for the shallowest reasons.

I think for me I enjoy being in love whether it be a crush, a significant other, or just a special someone.  A simple joy is lit whenever you talk to them or for some people, see them.  It's a feeling that carries a difficult meaning.  I enjoy their company but a possibility of commitment is blurry.

I want to be their friend, their confidante, and their special someone.  I would love to be the person that they trust enough with whom they share secrets, and in turn, I wanted to be the same thing as I am to them.

I would love to brighten their day;  to create a celebration out of the ordinary days; to send them messages and let them know that they crossed my mind.

I would love to be the person who inspires them to get up after a downfall and try again; and to be the reason why they are trying.

I want to be their only special someone but I don't want a commitment.  It's confusing as it is difficult.  I don't want them to be any person's special someone but I don't want to officially be with them; I don't want to be sealed in a commitment.  At least, that's how I view a commitment for now.  This is the reason why if ever I have a crush on you, and you ended up liking me too, honestly, you better run.

You'd become a special someone to me.  You'll be the only one to whom I would make an effort to keep our conversation going.  You'll be loved, or at least, that's how I accidentally would make you feel.

Accidentally.

Accidentally....I say that because if there ever comes a time when reality hits me:

When I realize my fear of commitment,

When I remember the awkwardness of a relationship,

When I am reminded that I once loved and it all failed, and I still am suffering the consequences,

When I finally admit that you and I can't be together because I have a fear of commitment and a strict family,

I have a leeway to deny everything that I felt.

I have a leeway to deny all the feelings that I made you feel, and that you made me feel.  I have space to tell myself that I did not love at all.  Rather, I was just being nice and respectful towards your feelings.  I find that it might hurt less that way.

I know those things would happen.  Regardless, I would make plans with you...plans that go out to the farthest future.  I would promise to do things together with you.  I would organize simple get-togethers for the future, even though committing in a relationship with you is hazy.

Why?

I would do that because I would try to hold on to a hope that these plans would help you and I transcend to the future.  That, in between now and the future, these times when I would refuse to be in a commitment and when I would push you away, those plans would help us to be friends - to ensure that all the times we spent together will not go to waste.  Rather, they would be preserved as the remnants of a blossoming puppy love...a love that was heading to a relationship, but got translated into a friendship because of the complexity of my beliefs and feelings.

Happiness With No Reason

Let go of the things that confuse your mind...

Growing up is a compromise of being given a blessing of living and enduring the challenges that that blessing carries; this is the moment when the carefree stages of childhood and teenage years are rapidly fading away as multitudes of responsibilities and the next stages of freedom replace them.  To grow up and mature is not at all sad.  Surely, with the new baggage it carries comes new surprises and more exciting and diverse freedoms.

Definitely, growing up - it is a compromise.  There are goods. And, there are bads.

In my growing up stage that I'm experiencing, with all the things happening and all the thoughts that begin to circulate around my head, my feelings get mixed up.  So many things are happening... and, also, plenty of things are also not happening.  It just feels like I used to have my feelings neatly organized in an accordion-type folder and they all fell out and got scattered in my head.

Plenty of times, I found myself  having to stop for a minute and thinking why I was feeling the way I was feeling.  For instance, today, and the other days, when I just find myself looking at a blank space or staring blankly at my phone, while laying in the couch.  I have found myself in this zone plenty of times.  A dangerous zone...where I no longer notice time passing by, when I just stare into space and think what is going wrong with me.  I'm not sad, but I'm not happy either.  It's just a blank feeling wherein all the enthusiasm got suck out of me.

That zone ...that zone always led me to a state of confusion.  I want to change.  I want to get my life and my former self back.  I wanted to be the person that I used to be in high school again, where I enjoyed the absence of my insecurities; where I was confident even when I had no accomplishments; where got excited about the littlest things.

Those days when...I was happy.

Happy.

Happy for no reason.

Happy even though I had nothing but my family and my school work.

Happy because I knew and valued how blessed I was.

Happy because I didn't know why.

I wanted to be happy again.  Specifically, I wanted to be happy with the condition of not knowing why.

That was probably why I can no longer get back the same happiness before.  I didn't know why I was happy and now, I don't know what to acquire to re-gain that joy back.

Now, I find myself buying things, going places, talking to new people and holding on to old friends and acquaintances even though I should not.  I'm sifting through these elements -  hoping that maybe, after a while, I will stumble on that something that will again light my enthusiasm and bring back my old self.  And, more importantly, that something will show me that happiness that I once had.

That happiness that I took for granted.

With all the things that I did, exploring the waters, sifting all the possibilities to find something which I don't even know what, I didn't stumble on that something that I wanted.  Or did I?  Would I even know if I stumbled on it, since I didn't even know what I was looking for in the first place?  I don't know the answers to these questions.  Only one thing is for sure though.  I felt many feelings continuously and all at once.  And, now, I'm continuously getting swallowed by the confusion that I was running away from.  I've turned one too many tables and now they're all circulating around me and I feel like I'm getting overwhelmed with what I have put myself into.

I  find myself trying to pinpoint who to blame, or what to blame for these confusion and blankness.  However, what I have discovered is - I don't have to continuously be stuck with the experiences that I have put myself into.  I'm not obliged to stay there unless they launch me to places where I want to be.

I want to use this time as a time to get away from the things that confuse me.  To simplify my life again, just like how it was last time.  I may not be able to truly regain that state but I guess simplification is the first step.  Maybe, when I simplify myself and my life again, I can finally determine what I'm looking for and I will be shown where to look for it.  To God be the glory.

Feelings Friday

Stop the drama.  People in our lives come and go, and that is just the cycle of life - constant change.  It's okay to be sad and reminisce but this melancholy should not run your life.  Move on. Learn from the experience and be thankful for the new beginning.  One day, the right person will walk right into your life without you expecting.  Just trust and open your heart.

Eat your heart out ^_^ --- Goldilocks Crema De Fruta

Goldilocks, you're the best :)  

Love makes the world go round and my mind go ...where?... it's gone

Whether it be loving a person, loving a passion, or loving something, following your heart makes you lose your mind.

Costco Poutine - A Review!!! Fries, gravy, and all that cheese

COSTCO POUTINE $4.39 + TAX

If you're craving for that basic poutine for the most reasonable price, the Costco poutine is the best one.  The taste is good in all aspects -- it's not too salty, the fries are crispy, and you can still taste the little tang from the cheese. The portion is also beyond great.  For $4.39 + tax, you can share it between two people.  I love Costco poutine because of the price, portion, and taste.

My other recommendations would be the Dairy Queen poutine --- what I love about their poutine is the way that the cheese melts.  The cheese gets really stringy and blends very well with the gravy and fries.  The price is $4.79+ tax and half the size of the Costco poutine.  Both poutines fare well with each other, though.  Costco is still my go-to place for basic poutine.

Enjoy life - it's a blessing

Remember it's only a bad day, not a bad life.  Be thankful, instead.

Life is a blessing; it is a gift. This is a reminder to everyone going through a tough situation at this very moment.  Despite the unpleasant situations that life throws at us, always remember that being alive right here and right now is a blessing, not an entitlement.  God has given us a new day that we can rejoice in; a day that we can make the most of so let us not throw it away.  Be thankful that He has not taken it away yet, so don't wish for it to disappear. Wishing for life to disappear is actually quite offensive to God.  You can look at it this way: life is a gift that was given to us unconditionally.  Kung tutuusin, pinahiram lang sa atin yan at pwede Nyang kunin kung kelan niya gustuhin.  Di ba kapag pinahiram saatin ang isang bagay, iingatan naten at mamahalin para kapag kinuha na saaten, yung may-ari hindi magagalit saatin.  Kung minsan pa nga pinapaganda pa natin ang pinahiram saatin, para bang pinapabuti ang kalagayan so when the owner decides to take it, mas sasaya siya diba at he will continue na magpahiram saatin.  Pero, let's go back to what I was saying before with an example.

Example: Imagine being a gift-giver. You work all your life, sacrificed everything, and gave up everything just to give me the most special gift to make me happy.  You gave it to me finally and I was delighted to have received such a marvelous gift.  A few months of usage later, I no longer love it because something went wrong (maybe, because of how I used the gift...something went wrong because I am the author of my misfortunes).  I come back to you and tell you that I hate it and it's making me miserable, and wishing that you should not have given it to me in the first place.  How would you. as the gift-giver, feel?

Think of this gift as the life given to us by God.  See what I'm saying now?

Always remember that it's only a bad day, not a bad life, so be thankful.  Look at the positives, even though it is difficult to find them.  You're not the only one going through a miserable time so just be strong.  God will not give us challenges that we can't conquer.

Mahal Ka Nun

Don't worry. He/She loves you.

This post goes out to the confused teens, tweens, and adults who are unsure of what to think towards a someone, usually a best friend, whom they have secret feelings for, and who they know reciprocates the same feelings to them.  BUT, the big but is they can't be together right now, whether it be social issues, family issues, or personal issues.  Being in that situation is difficult, you don't know whether to act on your feelings as a friend like how it currently is or a stranger in love.  The hard part also is, the more you conceal your feelings to the world, the more it starts showing through your little actions.  (And, the hardest part is, if you're the mediator between those two in love --- and that was my role #AngDakilangPakialamera.)  I'm writing this because unintentionally, I became the Dakilang Pakialamera.

Just like the confused people whom I was lucky enough to be able to delve into their story, the first thing that I want to say is, please just act normal.  I know it's hard to act normal --- even harder than me trying to stuff all my junk food in my cabinets just so my mom doesn't see. But please, try at least to set aside your feelings and talk normally just as how you are right now when you just fell in love with him or her.  You will know when it is the time to act on what you feel for the other person when you're no longer imprisoned by negative thoughts and feelings.  When I say "act on what you feel," that is the time when you guys start holding hands and calling each other a relationship title.   You're going to feel the right time for this eventually.  It's that type of feeling that when you think of that special someone and you being known as girlfriend and boyfriend, your chest is no longer tightening.  And, every time you think about telling him how much you love him, a smile would just rush through your face and not an angry face of her parents or a presentation of an ugly situation

A lot would contradict.  You may ask me, "Why do I have to wait for that time?" "Aren't I wasting time by doing that?" "Maybe, he will find someone else?"

Well, yes, the universe might suddenly flip and everything is no longer in your favor.  The only thing that I can say to that is maybe it is meant to be that way.  You can't rush things like this without suffering any consequences.  Go ahead, tell her that you love her, even though you know that her family does not allow her to date because they want her to finish her studies first; because it's okay right since she loves you too?  It's okay to complicate all the other relationships that she has just because it is love?  Or maybe, she still has a boyfriend whom she no longer has feelings for because it's okay right because she doesn't feel anything towards him?  But, think about the boyfriend, if you do that, I can see a black eye in your near future.

What I'm trying to say is, even though you both love each other.  You need to wait for the right time to be together.  You don't have to be together in title or in concrete, but always remember that you can always be together in your hearts.  May title man kayo na mag-jowa or hindi, hindi naman mawawala ang love and care niyo sa isat-isa.  Yan ang tandaan mo.  Treat her like how you treat her now...wala namang kulang diba?  Wag mong icomplicate ang things kung ang habol mo lang talaga sa kanya ay dahil mahal mo siya at mahal ka niya.  Kung hindi yun ang habol mo, lumayas ka.  Wag kang mangdamay ng iba.

The right time will come.   And, you two are the only ones who know when that time is.  You will be happier if you wait because you are no longer blocked by any constraints.  Masaya ang makipag-date at magmahal kapag wala ng bumabawal.  Kapag wala ka ng iniisip na may mangyayaring hindi maganda dahil sa external forces na bumabawal sainyo.  Mas makulay ang lablyp kapag pwede mong ipagsigawan sa Facebook na in a relationship na kayo at walang kokontra :)

Valentines Day 2015

So, Valentine's Day is approaching! Specifically, it's around 21 days away and as it is every year, I am very much excited to celebrate it.  Yes, I am aware that the general public associate this day for couples only but that's not how I think of it.  It's great if you have a special someone to celebrate it and it is as great if you don't.  I do celebrate it every year because I enjoy it.  February 14 is the only day where everything turns into a Julie World of pink, love, sparkles, hearts, and sweetness.

This year, my theme is self-improvement.  Last year, I focused mostly on painting smiles on my friends' and random people in the elevators' faces by giving them a surprise Valentines day treat.  This year, I want to make it different. I wanted to try something new.  However, the element of giving a smile on someone's face hasn't faded away.  I still would like to make those who are dear to me feel how appreciated their friendship is.  I have 3 weeks to plan this so we shall see what I come up with :)

Are you celebrating Valentines Day this year?  Let me know how you will be welcoming this year's day of hearts!  I need ideas too ^_^

Love,
Julie Anne