Happiness With No Reason

Let go of the things that confuse your mind...

Growing up is a compromise of being given a blessing of living and enduring the challenges that that blessing carries; this is the moment when the carefree stages of childhood and teenage years are rapidly fading away as multitudes of responsibilities and the next stages of freedom replace them.  To grow up and mature is not at all sad.  Surely, with the new baggage it carries comes new surprises and more exciting and diverse freedoms.

Definitely, growing up - it is a compromise.  There are goods. And, there are bads.

In my growing up stage that I'm experiencing, with all the things happening and all the thoughts that begin to circulate around my head, my feelings get mixed up.  So many things are happening... and, also, plenty of things are also not happening.  It just feels like I used to have my feelings neatly organized in an accordion-type folder and they all fell out and got scattered in my head.

Plenty of times, I found myself  having to stop for a minute and thinking why I was feeling the way I was feeling.  For instance, today, and the other days, when I just find myself looking at a blank space or staring blankly at my phone, while laying in the couch.  I have found myself in this zone plenty of times.  A dangerous zone...where I no longer notice time passing by, when I just stare into space and think what is going wrong with me.  I'm not sad, but I'm not happy either.  It's just a blank feeling wherein all the enthusiasm got suck out of me.

That zone ...that zone always led me to a state of confusion.  I want to change.  I want to get my life and my former self back.  I wanted to be the person that I used to be in high school again, where I enjoyed the absence of my insecurities; where I was confident even when I had no accomplishments; where got excited about the littlest things.

Those days when...I was happy.

Happy.

Happy for no reason.

Happy even though I had nothing but my family and my school work.

Happy because I knew and valued how blessed I was.

Happy because I didn't know why.

I wanted to be happy again.  Specifically, I wanted to be happy with the condition of not knowing why.

That was probably why I can no longer get back the same happiness before.  I didn't know why I was happy and now, I don't know what to acquire to re-gain that joy back.

Now, I find myself buying things, going places, talking to new people and holding on to old friends and acquaintances even though I should not.  I'm sifting through these elements -  hoping that maybe, after a while, I will stumble on that something that will again light my enthusiasm and bring back my old self.  And, more importantly, that something will show me that happiness that I once had.

That happiness that I took for granted.

With all the things that I did, exploring the waters, sifting all the possibilities to find something which I don't even know what, I didn't stumble on that something that I wanted.  Or did I?  Would I even know if I stumbled on it, since I didn't even know what I was looking for in the first place?  I don't know the answers to these questions.  Only one thing is for sure though.  I felt many feelings continuously and all at once.  And, now, I'm continuously getting swallowed by the confusion that I was running away from.  I've turned one too many tables and now they're all circulating around me and I feel like I'm getting overwhelmed with what I have put myself into.

I  find myself trying to pinpoint who to blame, or what to blame for these confusion and blankness.  However, what I have discovered is - I don't have to continuously be stuck with the experiences that I have put myself into.  I'm not obliged to stay there unless they launch me to places where I want to be.

I want to use this time as a time to get away from the things that confuse me.  To simplify my life again, just like how it was last time.  I may not be able to truly regain that state but I guess simplification is the first step.  Maybe, when I simplify myself and my life again, I can finally determine what I'm looking for and I will be shown where to look for it.  To God be the glory.

Mahal Ka Nun

Don't worry. He/She loves you.

This post goes out to the confused teens, tweens, and adults who are unsure of what to think towards a someone, usually a best friend, whom they have secret feelings for, and who they know reciprocates the same feelings to them.  BUT, the big but is they can't be together right now, whether it be social issues, family issues, or personal issues.  Being in that situation is difficult, you don't know whether to act on your feelings as a friend like how it currently is or a stranger in love.  The hard part also is, the more you conceal your feelings to the world, the more it starts showing through your little actions.  (And, the hardest part is, if you're the mediator between those two in love --- and that was my role #AngDakilangPakialamera.)  I'm writing this because unintentionally, I became the Dakilang Pakialamera.

Just like the confused people whom I was lucky enough to be able to delve into their story, the first thing that I want to say is, please just act normal.  I know it's hard to act normal --- even harder than me trying to stuff all my junk food in my cabinets just so my mom doesn't see. But please, try at least to set aside your feelings and talk normally just as how you are right now when you just fell in love with him or her.  You will know when it is the time to act on what you feel for the other person when you're no longer imprisoned by negative thoughts and feelings.  When I say "act on what you feel," that is the time when you guys start holding hands and calling each other a relationship title.   You're going to feel the right time for this eventually.  It's that type of feeling that when you think of that special someone and you being known as girlfriend and boyfriend, your chest is no longer tightening.  And, every time you think about telling him how much you love him, a smile would just rush through your face and not an angry face of her parents or a presentation of an ugly situation

A lot would contradict.  You may ask me, "Why do I have to wait for that time?" "Aren't I wasting time by doing that?" "Maybe, he will find someone else?"

Well, yes, the universe might suddenly flip and everything is no longer in your favor.  The only thing that I can say to that is maybe it is meant to be that way.  You can't rush things like this without suffering any consequences.  Go ahead, tell her that you love her, even though you know that her family does not allow her to date because they want her to finish her studies first; because it's okay right since she loves you too?  It's okay to complicate all the other relationships that she has just because it is love?  Or maybe, she still has a boyfriend whom she no longer has feelings for because it's okay right because she doesn't feel anything towards him?  But, think about the boyfriend, if you do that, I can see a black eye in your near future.

What I'm trying to say is, even though you both love each other.  You need to wait for the right time to be together.  You don't have to be together in title or in concrete, but always remember that you can always be together in your hearts.  May title man kayo na mag-jowa or hindi, hindi naman mawawala ang love and care niyo sa isat-isa.  Yan ang tandaan mo.  Treat her like how you treat her now...wala namang kulang diba?  Wag mong icomplicate ang things kung ang habol mo lang talaga sa kanya ay dahil mahal mo siya at mahal ka niya.  Kung hindi yun ang habol mo, lumayas ka.  Wag kang mangdamay ng iba.

The right time will come.   And, you two are the only ones who know when that time is.  You will be happier if you wait because you are no longer blocked by any constraints.  Masaya ang makipag-date at magmahal kapag wala ng bumabawal.  Kapag wala ka ng iniisip na may mangyayaring hindi maganda dahil sa external forces na bumabawal sainyo.  Mas makulay ang lablyp kapag pwede mong ipagsigawan sa Facebook na in a relationship na kayo at walang kokontra :)