I remember that feeling of being in love. How wonderful it was to know that there's a person outside your family circle who loves to see you and who wants to spend countless hours with you.
It was comforting to be wanted. To be needed. To be needed for the shallowest reasons.
I think for me I enjoy being in love whether it be a crush, a significant other, or just a special someone. A simple joy is lit whenever you talk to them or for some people, see them. It's a feeling that carries a difficult meaning. I enjoy their company but a possibility of commitment is blurry.
I want to be their friend, their confidante, and their special someone. I would love to be the person that they trust enough with whom they share secrets, and in turn, I wanted to be the same thing as I am to them.
I would love to brighten their day; to create a celebration out of the ordinary days; to send them messages and let them know that they crossed my mind.
I would love to be the person who inspires them to get up after a downfall and try again; and to be the reason why they are trying.
I want to be their only special someone but I don't want a commitment. It's confusing as it is difficult. I don't want them to be any person's special someone but I don't want to officially be with them; I don't want to be sealed in a commitment. At least, that's how I view a commitment for now. This is the reason why if ever I have a crush on you, and you ended up liking me too, honestly, you better run.
You'd become a special someone to me. You'll be the only one to whom I would make an effort to keep our conversation going. You'll be loved, or at least, that's how I accidentally would make you feel.
Accidentally.
Accidentally....I say that because if there ever comes a time when reality hits me:
When I realize my fear of commitment,
When I remember the awkwardness of a relationship,
When I am reminded that I once loved and it all failed, and I still am suffering the consequences,
When I finally admit that you and I can't be together because I have a fear of commitment and a strict family,
I have a leeway to deny everything that I felt.
I have a leeway to deny all the feelings that I made you feel, and that you made me feel. I have space to tell myself that I did not love at all. Rather, I was just being nice and respectful towards your feelings. I find that it might hurt less that way.
I know those things would happen. Regardless, I would make plans with you...plans that go out to the farthest future. I would promise to do things together with you. I would organize simple get-togethers for the future, even though committing in a relationship with you is hazy.
Why?
I would do that because I would try to hold on to a hope that these plans would help you and I transcend to the future. That, in between now and the future, these times when I would refuse to be in a commitment and when I would push you away, those plans would help us to be friends - to ensure that all the times we spent together will not go to waste. Rather, they would be preserved as the remnants of a blossoming puppy love...a love that was heading to a relationship, but got translated into a friendship because of the complexity of my beliefs and feelings.
