Lovely Thoughts 1: To be needed for the shallowest reasons

I remember that feeling of being in love.  How wonderful it was to know that there's a person outside your family circle who loves to see you and who wants to spend countless hours with you.

It was comforting to be wanted.  To be needed.  To be needed for the shallowest reasons.

I think for me I enjoy being in love whether it be a crush, a significant other, or just a special someone.  A simple joy is lit whenever you talk to them or for some people, see them.  It's a feeling that carries a difficult meaning.  I enjoy their company but a possibility of commitment is blurry.

I want to be their friend, their confidante, and their special someone.  I would love to be the person that they trust enough with whom they share secrets, and in turn, I wanted to be the same thing as I am to them.

I would love to brighten their day;  to create a celebration out of the ordinary days; to send them messages and let them know that they crossed my mind.

I would love to be the person who inspires them to get up after a downfall and try again; and to be the reason why they are trying.

I want to be their only special someone but I don't want a commitment.  It's confusing as it is difficult.  I don't want them to be any person's special someone but I don't want to officially be with them; I don't want to be sealed in a commitment.  At least, that's how I view a commitment for now.  This is the reason why if ever I have a crush on you, and you ended up liking me too, honestly, you better run.

You'd become a special someone to me.  You'll be the only one to whom I would make an effort to keep our conversation going.  You'll be loved, or at least, that's how I accidentally would make you feel.

Accidentally.

Accidentally....I say that because if there ever comes a time when reality hits me:

When I realize my fear of commitment,

When I remember the awkwardness of a relationship,

When I am reminded that I once loved and it all failed, and I still am suffering the consequences,

When I finally admit that you and I can't be together because I have a fear of commitment and a strict family,

I have a leeway to deny everything that I felt.

I have a leeway to deny all the feelings that I made you feel, and that you made me feel.  I have space to tell myself that I did not love at all.  Rather, I was just being nice and respectful towards your feelings.  I find that it might hurt less that way.

I know those things would happen.  Regardless, I would make plans with you...plans that go out to the farthest future.  I would promise to do things together with you.  I would organize simple get-togethers for the future, even though committing in a relationship with you is hazy.

Why?

I would do that because I would try to hold on to a hope that these plans would help you and I transcend to the future.  That, in between now and the future, these times when I would refuse to be in a commitment and when I would push you away, those plans would help us to be friends - to ensure that all the times we spent together will not go to waste.  Rather, they would be preserved as the remnants of a blossoming puppy love...a love that was heading to a relationship, but got translated into a friendship because of the complexity of my beliefs and feelings.

Mahal Ka Nun

Don't worry. He/She loves you.

This post goes out to the confused teens, tweens, and adults who are unsure of what to think towards a someone, usually a best friend, whom they have secret feelings for, and who they know reciprocates the same feelings to them.  BUT, the big but is they can't be together right now, whether it be social issues, family issues, or personal issues.  Being in that situation is difficult, you don't know whether to act on your feelings as a friend like how it currently is or a stranger in love.  The hard part also is, the more you conceal your feelings to the world, the more it starts showing through your little actions.  (And, the hardest part is, if you're the mediator between those two in love --- and that was my role #AngDakilangPakialamera.)  I'm writing this because unintentionally, I became the Dakilang Pakialamera.

Just like the confused people whom I was lucky enough to be able to delve into their story, the first thing that I want to say is, please just act normal.  I know it's hard to act normal --- even harder than me trying to stuff all my junk food in my cabinets just so my mom doesn't see. But please, try at least to set aside your feelings and talk normally just as how you are right now when you just fell in love with him or her.  You will know when it is the time to act on what you feel for the other person when you're no longer imprisoned by negative thoughts and feelings.  When I say "act on what you feel," that is the time when you guys start holding hands and calling each other a relationship title.   You're going to feel the right time for this eventually.  It's that type of feeling that when you think of that special someone and you being known as girlfriend and boyfriend, your chest is no longer tightening.  And, every time you think about telling him how much you love him, a smile would just rush through your face and not an angry face of her parents or a presentation of an ugly situation

A lot would contradict.  You may ask me, "Why do I have to wait for that time?" "Aren't I wasting time by doing that?" "Maybe, he will find someone else?"

Well, yes, the universe might suddenly flip and everything is no longer in your favor.  The only thing that I can say to that is maybe it is meant to be that way.  You can't rush things like this without suffering any consequences.  Go ahead, tell her that you love her, even though you know that her family does not allow her to date because they want her to finish her studies first; because it's okay right since she loves you too?  It's okay to complicate all the other relationships that she has just because it is love?  Or maybe, she still has a boyfriend whom she no longer has feelings for because it's okay right because she doesn't feel anything towards him?  But, think about the boyfriend, if you do that, I can see a black eye in your near future.

What I'm trying to say is, even though you both love each other.  You need to wait for the right time to be together.  You don't have to be together in title or in concrete, but always remember that you can always be together in your hearts.  May title man kayo na mag-jowa or hindi, hindi naman mawawala ang love and care niyo sa isat-isa.  Yan ang tandaan mo.  Treat her like how you treat her now...wala namang kulang diba?  Wag mong icomplicate ang things kung ang habol mo lang talaga sa kanya ay dahil mahal mo siya at mahal ka niya.  Kung hindi yun ang habol mo, lumayas ka.  Wag kang mangdamay ng iba.

The right time will come.   And, you two are the only ones who know when that time is.  You will be happier if you wait because you are no longer blocked by any constraints.  Masaya ang makipag-date at magmahal kapag wala ng bumabawal.  Kapag wala ka ng iniisip na may mangyayaring hindi maganda dahil sa external forces na bumabawal sainyo.  Mas makulay ang lablyp kapag pwede mong ipagsigawan sa Facebook na in a relationship na kayo at walang kokontra :)