Lovely Thoughts 1: To be needed for the shallowest reasons

I remember that feeling of being in love.  How wonderful it was to know that there's a person outside your family circle who loves to see you and who wants to spend countless hours with you.

It was comforting to be wanted.  To be needed.  To be needed for the shallowest reasons.

I think for me I enjoy being in love whether it be a crush, a significant other, or just a special someone.  A simple joy is lit whenever you talk to them or for some people, see them.  It's a feeling that carries a difficult meaning.  I enjoy their company but a possibility of commitment is blurry.

I want to be their friend, their confidante, and their special someone.  I would love to be the person that they trust enough with whom they share secrets, and in turn, I wanted to be the same thing as I am to them.

I would love to brighten their day;  to create a celebration out of the ordinary days; to send them messages and let them know that they crossed my mind.

I would love to be the person who inspires them to get up after a downfall and try again; and to be the reason why they are trying.

I want to be their only special someone but I don't want a commitment.  It's confusing as it is difficult.  I don't want them to be any person's special someone but I don't want to officially be with them; I don't want to be sealed in a commitment.  At least, that's how I view a commitment for now.  This is the reason why if ever I have a crush on you, and you ended up liking me too, honestly, you better run.

You'd become a special someone to me.  You'll be the only one to whom I would make an effort to keep our conversation going.  You'll be loved, or at least, that's how I accidentally would make you feel.

Accidentally.

Accidentally....I say that because if there ever comes a time when reality hits me:

When I realize my fear of commitment,

When I remember the awkwardness of a relationship,

When I am reminded that I once loved and it all failed, and I still am suffering the consequences,

When I finally admit that you and I can't be together because I have a fear of commitment and a strict family,

I have a leeway to deny everything that I felt.

I have a leeway to deny all the feelings that I made you feel, and that you made me feel.  I have space to tell myself that I did not love at all.  Rather, I was just being nice and respectful towards your feelings.  I find that it might hurt less that way.

I know those things would happen.  Regardless, I would make plans with you...plans that go out to the farthest future.  I would promise to do things together with you.  I would organize simple get-togethers for the future, even though committing in a relationship with you is hazy.

Why?

I would do that because I would try to hold on to a hope that these plans would help you and I transcend to the future.  That, in between now and the future, these times when I would refuse to be in a commitment and when I would push you away, those plans would help us to be friends - to ensure that all the times we spent together will not go to waste.  Rather, they would be preserved as the remnants of a blossoming puppy love...a love that was heading to a relationship, but got translated into a friendship because of the complexity of my beliefs and feelings.

Happiness With No Reason

Let go of the things that confuse your mind...

Growing up is a compromise of being given a blessing of living and enduring the challenges that that blessing carries; this is the moment when the carefree stages of childhood and teenage years are rapidly fading away as multitudes of responsibilities and the next stages of freedom replace them.  To grow up and mature is not at all sad.  Surely, with the new baggage it carries comes new surprises and more exciting and diverse freedoms.

Definitely, growing up - it is a compromise.  There are goods. And, there are bads.

In my growing up stage that I'm experiencing, with all the things happening and all the thoughts that begin to circulate around my head, my feelings get mixed up.  So many things are happening... and, also, plenty of things are also not happening.  It just feels like I used to have my feelings neatly organized in an accordion-type folder and they all fell out and got scattered in my head.

Plenty of times, I found myself  having to stop for a minute and thinking why I was feeling the way I was feeling.  For instance, today, and the other days, when I just find myself looking at a blank space or staring blankly at my phone, while laying in the couch.  I have found myself in this zone plenty of times.  A dangerous zone...where I no longer notice time passing by, when I just stare into space and think what is going wrong with me.  I'm not sad, but I'm not happy either.  It's just a blank feeling wherein all the enthusiasm got suck out of me.

That zone ...that zone always led me to a state of confusion.  I want to change.  I want to get my life and my former self back.  I wanted to be the person that I used to be in high school again, where I enjoyed the absence of my insecurities; where I was confident even when I had no accomplishments; where got excited about the littlest things.

Those days when...I was happy.

Happy.

Happy for no reason.

Happy even though I had nothing but my family and my school work.

Happy because I knew and valued how blessed I was.

Happy because I didn't know why.

I wanted to be happy again.  Specifically, I wanted to be happy with the condition of not knowing why.

That was probably why I can no longer get back the same happiness before.  I didn't know why I was happy and now, I don't know what to acquire to re-gain that joy back.

Now, I find myself buying things, going places, talking to new people and holding on to old friends and acquaintances even though I should not.  I'm sifting through these elements -  hoping that maybe, after a while, I will stumble on that something that will again light my enthusiasm and bring back my old self.  And, more importantly, that something will show me that happiness that I once had.

That happiness that I took for granted.

With all the things that I did, exploring the waters, sifting all the possibilities to find something which I don't even know what, I didn't stumble on that something that I wanted.  Or did I?  Would I even know if I stumbled on it, since I didn't even know what I was looking for in the first place?  I don't know the answers to these questions.  Only one thing is for sure though.  I felt many feelings continuously and all at once.  And, now, I'm continuously getting swallowed by the confusion that I was running away from.  I've turned one too many tables and now they're all circulating around me and I feel like I'm getting overwhelmed with what I have put myself into.

I  find myself trying to pinpoint who to blame, or what to blame for these confusion and blankness.  However, what I have discovered is - I don't have to continuously be stuck with the experiences that I have put myself into.  I'm not obliged to stay there unless they launch me to places where I want to be.

I want to use this time as a time to get away from the things that confuse me.  To simplify my life again, just like how it was last time.  I may not be able to truly regain that state but I guess simplification is the first step.  Maybe, when I simplify myself and my life again, I can finally determine what I'm looking for and I will be shown where to look for it.  To God be the glory.

Feelings Friday

Stop the drama.  People in our lives come and go, and that is just the cycle of life - constant change.  It's okay to be sad and reminisce but this melancholy should not run your life.  Move on. Learn from the experience and be thankful for the new beginning.  One day, the right person will walk right into your life without you expecting.  Just trust and open your heart.

Eat your heart out ^_^ --- Goldilocks Crema De Fruta

Goldilocks, you're the best :)  

Love makes the world go round and my mind go ...where?... it's gone

Whether it be loving a person, loving a passion, or loving something, following your heart makes you lose your mind.

Costco Poutine - A Review!!! Fries, gravy, and all that cheese

COSTCO POUTINE $4.39 + TAX

If you're craving for that basic poutine for the most reasonable price, the Costco poutine is the best one.  The taste is good in all aspects -- it's not too salty, the fries are crispy, and you can still taste the little tang from the cheese. The portion is also beyond great.  For $4.39 + tax, you can share it between two people.  I love Costco poutine because of the price, portion, and taste.

My other recommendations would be the Dairy Queen poutine --- what I love about their poutine is the way that the cheese melts.  The cheese gets really stringy and blends very well with the gravy and fries.  The price is $4.79+ tax and half the size of the Costco poutine.  Both poutines fare well with each other, though.  Costco is still my go-to place for basic poutine.

Enjoy life - it's a blessing

Remember it's only a bad day, not a bad life.  Be thankful, instead.

Life is a blessing; it is a gift. This is a reminder to everyone going through a tough situation at this very moment.  Despite the unpleasant situations that life throws at us, always remember that being alive right here and right now is a blessing, not an entitlement.  God has given us a new day that we can rejoice in; a day that we can make the most of so let us not throw it away.  Be thankful that He has not taken it away yet, so don't wish for it to disappear. Wishing for life to disappear is actually quite offensive to God.  You can look at it this way: life is a gift that was given to us unconditionally.  Kung tutuusin, pinahiram lang sa atin yan at pwede Nyang kunin kung kelan niya gustuhin.  Di ba kapag pinahiram saatin ang isang bagay, iingatan naten at mamahalin para kapag kinuha na saaten, yung may-ari hindi magagalit saatin.  Kung minsan pa nga pinapaganda pa natin ang pinahiram saatin, para bang pinapabuti ang kalagayan so when the owner decides to take it, mas sasaya siya diba at he will continue na magpahiram saatin.  Pero, let's go back to what I was saying before with an example.

Example: Imagine being a gift-giver. You work all your life, sacrificed everything, and gave up everything just to give me the most special gift to make me happy.  You gave it to me finally and I was delighted to have received such a marvelous gift.  A few months of usage later, I no longer love it because something went wrong (maybe, because of how I used the gift...something went wrong because I am the author of my misfortunes).  I come back to you and tell you that I hate it and it's making me miserable, and wishing that you should not have given it to me in the first place.  How would you. as the gift-giver, feel?

Think of this gift as the life given to us by God.  See what I'm saying now?

Always remember that it's only a bad day, not a bad life, so be thankful.  Look at the positives, even though it is difficult to find them.  You're not the only one going through a miserable time so just be strong.  God will not give us challenges that we can't conquer.